Today has been a "weird ass" day, kind of! I guess you could say it all began last night after I received yet another email from my mom regarding some personal financial issue she is having with my dad that has finally come to a head after being divorced from him for at least 2 years now. Prior to my mother's email, I had received an email from two of my sisters stating they didn't want to have anything more to do with my dad because of this matter so I've been conflicted for days over how I should feel and if and when I'd reply to any of them.
Here's a little background: the man I call my dad, Paul, is actually my stepfather of over 28 years. My real father disappeared from our lives when I was still a teenager and has had nothing to do with our family since, not that my sisters and I haven't attempted to make contact. Paul came into our lives very quickly, before my mother and father were even divorced, and assumed the role as our father and provider of us four girls and my mother, so he is my dad.
Back to the emails! I finally decided to respond to my mother in a very loving, yet matter of fact and mature fashion letting her know that my dad has done nothing to me to warrant "writing him off" for an issue that is none of my concern and that she only brought on herself. I wasn't choosing sides but merely staying out of it! Also, mentioning that I don't want to be abondoned by another father...once is more than enough! As I wrote this email to her my eyes began to well up with tears and then the flood gates opened.
Why, at the age of 44, am I crying like a child when I think about my parents being divorced and the feeling of having to choose?
Here's my take on the effects of divorce on not only a child but an adult child. I do believe that parents should never stay married "for the children" because the kids have to bare the consequences. When my real dad and mom divorced I was 11 or 12 and the oldest of 4 girls. My parents were really good at not letting on to any of us that there were any problems so when the announcement came, it was a shock but I believe, fortuneately, for me I wasn't emersed in the drama of their problems. There were tears, my real dad cried in my lap and then he was gone and it seems like life just resumed as usual. I was raised by a mother with very old fashioned views on what children should and shouldn't know and "for appearance sake".
Do I believe my parents should have been more involved in how I felt and communicating more? Yes!
Parents should definitely keep their disagreements to themselves and not get their children involved but on the flip side, when things are going to hell maybe it would be a good idea for the parents, as a couple, to sit the kids down and have an open discussion about what is going to be happening and most importantly the emotions of the kids.
After my real father left we did get to see him every other weekend and each time we'd go with him I was literally sick to my stomach. This wasn't due to not wanting to see him but I felt bad for him and knowing that he knew there was another man in the picture. Our visits were regular for maybe a year or so and then after we got tired of begging him to see us we just didn't care anymore and we'd moved into Paul's house.
Do children need to hear their parents talking negatively about the other? No!
Parents must really think children are dumb because if they didn't they wouldn't take innocent hearts and ears and shatter them. No child wants to hear that their own father isn't paying enough child support, that he can't keep a job, he's just a weak man, their mother is a cheater, and the list can go on depending on the family dynamics. As children, we look up to our parents and hold them on a pedestal so to have to deal with these types of truths can be detrimental in various forms as we go through life.
Does divorce have any effect on grown children? Dah! Yes!
Once again, when my mother and Paul got divorced it came as a huge shock because none of us knew there was any problem. There were a lot of unreal circumstances that led to this divorce and because I was an adult my mother felt she could share all the awful details with me and my sisters. Not really! Again, I looked up to Paul as the man I knew and loved that she had brought into our lives over 28 years ago and I didn't want to know everything. Yes, even though I'm an adult it still hurts me to hear one of my parents "bash" the other. I feel even as an adult there is still that child in me that hates to have her parents divorce and scared of the future (i.e., do I have to choose, will I get abondoned again, will our family ever be the same)!
In the end, I called my sister to ask what her feelings were about the situation and she felt exactly as I do...it is none of our business!
I feel so much better now but earlier today everyone at work was in a crappy mood and I just didn't want to deal with anyone so I came home and curled up in bed, watched an Elvis movie and then felt grateful that I have a very open and honest relationship with my son and husband!
Are you a child of divorce? Let me know how you feel?
I like you am a child of divorce who has been through some messed up family stuff and it always thankful for the healthy interaction I enjoy with my husband and children.
ReplyDeleteI can't agree with you more. Parents should not stay together for their children and they DO need to have more honest discussions with their children and help them in finding their voices to express even their most painful and difficult feelings. I think guilt often gets in the way of that.
I'm not surprised that this all weighs on you so heavily still. Because it weighs on me heavily too. I've devoted entire blog to it's struggles. I would love to be able to enable a group of us grown children of divorce to become a community, sharing our experiences and finding solace in each other.
That's my dream, anyway.